daily laugh
daily laugh
A pilot is flying a small, single-engine, charter plane with a couple of really important executives on board into Seattle airport. There is fog so thick that visibility is 40 feet, and his instruments are out. He circles looking for a landmark and after an hour, he is low on fuel and his passengers are very nervous. At last, through a small opening in the fog he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. Circling, the pilot banks and shouts through his open window: "Hey, where am I?". The solitary office worker replies: "You're in an airplane.". The pilot immediately executes a swift 275 degree turn and executes a perfect blind landing on the airport's runway five miles away. Just as the plane stops, the engines cough and die from lack of fuel. The stunned passengers ask the pilot how he did it. "Elementary," replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100% correct but absolutely useless; therefore, I knew that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is three minutes away on a course of 87 degrees."
I think we've established that "Ka Ka" and "Tukki Tukki" don't work.
A doctor goes out and buys a brand new Ferrari GTO, it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.
An old man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?"
The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!" "That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!" states the doctor proudly.
The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"
"No problem," replies the doctor.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right... But I'll stick with my Moped!" Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 150 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what It could be and suddenly. WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH!
Something whips by him going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the doctor asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped! Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 210 Mph.
WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH!
He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!
Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 250 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!
Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive. He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh My Gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man whispers, "Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror".
An old man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?"
The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!" "That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!" states the doctor proudly.
The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"
"No problem," replies the doctor.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right... But I'll stick with my Moped!" Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 150 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what It could be and suddenly. WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH!
Something whips by him going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the doctor asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped! Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 210 Mph.
WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH!
He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!
Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 250 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!
Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive. He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh My Gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man whispers, "Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror".
I think we've established that "Ka Ka" and "Tukki Tukki" don't work.
ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 --CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY:
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condi tion. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are Comin' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ' Logan 's Liniment will reduce the swelling', and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, ''William's Big Stick Did the Trick', and I could hardly contain myself. BUT, your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have
prevented this Accident'.. I just lost it."
"CASE DISMISSED!!"
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condi tion. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are Comin' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ' Logan 's Liniment will reduce the swelling', and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, ''William's Big Stick Did the Trick', and I could hardly contain myself. BUT, your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have
prevented this Accident'.. I just lost it."
"CASE DISMISSED!!"
I think we've established that "Ka Ka" and "Tukki Tukki" don't work.
Here's two of'em for ya.
A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from
the bedroom. She rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed,
sweating and panting.
"What's up?" she asks.
"I'm having a heart attack," cries the husband.
The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing
her four-year-old son comes up and says, "Mommy! Mommy! Aunt Shirley is
hiding in your closet, and she's got no clothes on!"
The blonde slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, right
past her husband, and rips open the closet door. Sure enough, there is her
sister, totally naked and cowering on the closet floor.
"You rotten bitch," she screams. "My husband's having a heart attack, and
you're running around naked scaring the kids!!"
My Favorite.....
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.
He asks, "What are you doing?"
She answers, "I'm moving to Nevada. I heard prostitutes there
get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free."
Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom
and sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him
where he's going, he replies,
"I'm coming, too. I want to see how you live on $800 a year.
A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from
the bedroom. She rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed,
sweating and panting.
"What's up?" she asks.
"I'm having a heart attack," cries the husband.
The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing
her four-year-old son comes up and says, "Mommy! Mommy! Aunt Shirley is
hiding in your closet, and she's got no clothes on!"
The blonde slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, right
past her husband, and rips open the closet door. Sure enough, there is her
sister, totally naked and cowering on the closet floor.
"You rotten bitch," she screams. "My husband's having a heart attack, and
you're running around naked scaring the kids!!"
My Favorite.....
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.
He asks, "What are you doing?"
She answers, "I'm moving to Nevada. I heard prostitutes there
get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free."
Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom
and sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him
where he's going, he replies,
"I'm coming, too. I want to see how you live on $800 a year.
"ZPA's will have the same sound essentially as you get from the MS, they just feature a bigger shinier set of balls."
Install:
http://phoenixphorum.com/viewtopic.php?f=10&t=16998
Install:
http://phoenixphorum.com/viewtopic.php?f=10&t=16998