A priest offered a Nun a lift
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
The Moral of this story?
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
joke de jure (with a morel!)
-
Bfowler
- Briaans..... BRIAAAAANNNNNNS
- Posts: 10764
- Joined: Wed Dec 06, 2006 11:06 am
- Location: So easy, a cavewomen could do him
joke de jure (with a morel!)
my ex-girlfriend said "its car audio or me"
i've had tougher choices at a soda machine...
i've had tougher choices at a soda machine...
-
fuzzysnuggleduck
- Soy Milquetoast
- Posts: 4423
- Joined: Wed Dec 06, 2006 1:08 pm
- Location: The best place on earth
- Contact:
-
bretti_kivi
- Shutterbug
- Posts: 1595
- Joined: Tue Aug 26, 2008 1:06 pm
- Location: Päijät-Häme or Uusimaa
After showing this to a colleague, I got this back:
"THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE."
Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 4:
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 5:
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.' 'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?'
replied the bull. 'They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Lesson 6:
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE
And send this to five bright people who have enough sense of humor to take it!
"THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE."
Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 4:
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 5:
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.' 'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?'
replied the bull. 'They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Lesson 6:
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE
And send this to five bright people who have enough sense of humor to take it!
-
Francious70
- Half Baked
- Posts: 3533
- Joined: Wed Dec 06, 2006 2:58 pm
- Location: TN, YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHAW!!!!
- Contact:
I gots a good one.....
James and Jane are getting married. Jane leaves town on business and James is left behind to finalize some of the wedding details with Janes HOT younger sister Jackie. James has always wanted to bang Jackie as she seems to always flirt and taunt by dressing slutty and finding reasons to bend over (without bending her knees) when he's looking. Jackie calls James over to her house to finish the plans so he goes over. Jackie answers the door in a black silk slip..... He enters the house and she says
-I've always been attracted to you James.... I can't help myself. You haven't married my sister YET so this is my last chance.
She then walks up the stairs and as she gets to the top, she stops to takes off her panties. At that moment, James turns and heads for the car. As he steps off the porch, he's greeted by Jane and her father who both have tears in their eyes. "You passed our test son. Welcome to the family!!!!"
The moral of this story........... Always keep yer condoms in the car...
James and Jane are getting married. Jane leaves town on business and James is left behind to finalize some of the wedding details with Janes HOT younger sister Jackie. James has always wanted to bang Jackie as she seems to always flirt and taunt by dressing slutty and finding reasons to bend over (without bending her knees) when he's looking. Jackie calls James over to her house to finish the plans so he goes over. Jackie answers the door in a black silk slip..... He enters the house and she says
-I've always been attracted to you James.... I can't help myself. You haven't married my sister YET so this is my last chance.
She then walks up the stairs and as she gets to the top, she stops to takes off her panties. At that moment, James turns and heads for the car. As he steps off the porch, he's greeted by Jane and her father who both have tears in their eyes. "You passed our test son. Welcome to the family!!!!"
The moral of this story........... Always keep yer condoms in the car...
Those tender little burgers with them little, itty-bitty grilled onions that just explode in ya mouth like flavor crystals every time you bite into one.. just makes me want to burn this muthafuka down.... Come on, Pookie, let's burn this muthafuka down!!!
-
nico boom
- Deus ex MS
- Posts: 2089
- Joined: Fri Jan 05, 2007 1:40 pm
- Location: the land of wooden shoes
Both great ones Brett and Harold!!!
One I heard on the radio;
A regular customer walkes into a bar, and as he enters he shouts; FREE DRINKS FOR EVERYBODY!
Ofcourse he's everybody's friend after that, and after talking to some of his friends, he sits down at the bar.
He puts a cat on the bar, and askes the bartender; "please bring me 7 meatballs for my cat".
The bartender does so, and the cat eats them all.
Next day; the same thing happens, only this time the man askes the bartender;"please bring me 8 meatballs for my cat".
After doing so, the bartender leans over, and says..."I don't mind you giving rounds everyday, and your cat eating all my meatballs, but... what's the story?
The man replies; well, two days ago I rubbed this lamp, and a spirit came out, granting me three wishes...
So I wished;
-Enough money to buy rounds in the pub every day
-Everybody would like to be my friend
-And last; a pussy that's never satisfied!
"BUT THIS SPIRIT GOT THAT PART WRONG".......
-
One I heard on the radio;
A regular customer walkes into a bar, and as he enters he shouts; FREE DRINKS FOR EVERYBODY!
Ofcourse he's everybody's friend after that, and after talking to some of his friends, he sits down at the bar.
He puts a cat on the bar, and askes the bartender; "please bring me 7 meatballs for my cat".
The bartender does so, and the cat eats them all.
Next day; the same thing happens, only this time the man askes the bartender;"please bring me 8 meatballs for my cat".
After doing so, the bartender leans over, and says..."I don't mind you giving rounds everyday, and your cat eating all my meatballs, but... what's the story?
The man replies; well, two days ago I rubbed this lamp, and a spirit came out, granting me three wishes...
So I wished;
-Enough money to buy rounds in the pub every day
-Everybody would like to be my friend
-And last; a pussy that's never satisfied!
"BUT THIS SPIRIT GOT THAT PART WRONG".......
-
-
mhyde71
- Dr. Jekyll
- Posts: 6231
- Joined: Sun Jan 20, 2008 8:34 pm
- Location: PG FanBoy in Green Mtn Vermont
- Contact:
o'KAY, o'KAY... Bringing this back...
Guy walks in the bar...
meandors about for a short bit
and then steps up to bar and asks the bartender "wanna make a bet"...?
Bartender reluctantly following suit, and says: "Sure!, what'cha got?",
Guy says, "I'll bet you 500.00 that I can piss in that bottle over behind you and not miss a drop!??!"...
Bartendar, "$500.00 for you to stand behind the bar, where you are now, and piss into that tiny bottle neck, and not miss a drop??""
Guy replies, "Sure thing, no problem!!"
Bartendar, "You're ON!!"...
So the guy whips his shit out and starts pissing, pissin' all over behind the bar, all over the bartendar all over the coolers and sinks and just a crazy mess everywhere, getting everything all drenched with piss...!
Bartendar gets up from behind the bar when he realizes he is all finished and says, "AH-HA You Owe Me $500.00... So the guy happily pays up no problem!...
Bartendars assistant comes up to guy and says "hey man, you must have known you just wouldnt be able to do that, why the hell were you willing to simply loose $500.00 to my boss like that and make this ridicolous bet you knew you couldn't do??"
Guy looks at the assistant and says.. "well, you see those five guys playing poker over there at the round table...? Well, I bet each of them $1,000.00, that I would be able to come over here and piss all over your bosses shit and he'd be happy about it!"
Guy walks in the bar...
meandors about for a short bit
and then steps up to bar and asks the bartender "wanna make a bet"...?
Bartender reluctantly following suit, and says: "Sure!, what'cha got?",
Guy says, "I'll bet you 500.00 that I can piss in that bottle over behind you and not miss a drop!??!"...
Bartendar, "$500.00 for you to stand behind the bar, where you are now, and piss into that tiny bottle neck, and not miss a drop??""
Guy replies, "Sure thing, no problem!!"
Bartendar, "You're ON!!"...
So the guy whips his shit out and starts pissing, pissin' all over behind the bar, all over the bartendar all over the coolers and sinks and just a crazy mess everywhere, getting everything all drenched with piss...!
Bartendar gets up from behind the bar when he realizes he is all finished and says, "AH-HA You Owe Me $500.00... So the guy happily pays up no problem!...
Bartendars assistant comes up to guy and says "hey man, you must have known you just wouldnt be able to do that, why the hell were you willing to simply loose $500.00 to my boss like that and make this ridicolous bet you knew you couldn't do??"
Guy looks at the assistant and says.. "well, you see those five guys playing poker over there at the round table...? Well, I bet each of them $1,000.00, that I would be able to come over here and piss all over your bosses shit and he'd be happy about it!"
PAST WORK/S HERE::
https://www.facebook.com/KhameleonKoatings/photos_albums
https://www.facebook.com/KhameleonKoatings/photos_albums
-
mhyde71
- Dr. Jekyll
- Posts: 6231
- Joined: Sun Jan 20, 2008 8:34 pm
- Location: PG FanBoy in Green Mtn Vermont
- Contact:
Re: joke de jure (with a morel!)
The Redneck went to the hospital
as his wife was having a baby.
Upon arriving, the Nurse says "Congratulations,
your wife has had triplets, 3 big baby boys."
The Redneck says, "I'm not surprised,
I gotta dick on me like a chimney."
The nurse replies,
"You might want to consider getting it cleaned.
The babies are all black."
as his wife was having a baby.
Upon arriving, the Nurse says "Congratulations,
your wife has had triplets, 3 big baby boys."
The Redneck says, "I'm not surprised,
I gotta dick on me like a chimney."
The nurse replies,
"You might want to consider getting it cleaned.
The babies are all black."
PAST WORK/S HERE::
https://www.facebook.com/KhameleonKoatings/photos_albums
https://www.facebook.com/KhameleonKoatings/photos_albums
Re: joke de jure (with a morel!)
Wow zombie thread. I was surprised to see Brian still posting. 