Right. So some of you will remember I posted a review of Halloween Resurrection a few months ago. This was because I bought it on release day on DVD (missed it at the cinema) and my ex wife didn't want to watch it with me. Add aload of BS and me misplacing it in a box and I watched it late, very very late lol.
However, that review was my honest feelings on the movie, but that wasnt what was so important about it. I gave my opinion toward the end that I would love to see a 'prequel' version of Halloween that would explain all the missing factors.
Let's face it. Once the first two were done and out of the way it all got a bit silly. First you had H3 which had nothing to do with Myers (but was still an entertaining flick in it's own right) and then you had aload of movies about an indestructable psychopathic madman who killed people in various scenarios. That's all they added in those sequels. No dialect (of any importance) no story, just a slasher flick with MM as the main character.
And that wasn't a bad thing, they were tense slasher movies. But.
There are those of us who are serious 'real' Halloween fans. Those who class the first and second as marvels of their time and creator (Mr Carpenter).
And, as we all know, there was alot 'unsaid' in the first two movies.
Now, this did what it intended to do. It left us as an audience wondering, guessing.
The problem is there hasn't been a single 'well thought out' sequel that explained away all the things that halloween fans really wanted to fucking know. Until now.
Cue the master of horror in the new Milenia, Rob Zombie.
Those of you who do not know who Rob Zombie is please stop reading now. Those of you who are not sure?
He makes fucking amazing scary rock music, he has a super sexy wife who I would love to make aquaintance with
and he makes a fucking awesome horror movie.Now, Rob had already qualified IMO to make a remake of Halloween. Why? because he wasn't a fresh faced director/writer that had never made a horror movie before. Rob is a very down to earth guy alot like you and me, and a massive fan of zombies and horror movies.
Thus, my dream came true when Greg Gannon informed me (insider info from the horror expo he went to) that Mr Zombie was doing a halloween remake.
As a fan Mr Zombie would have all the unanswered questions that all the other fans did. And, he has answered them. Properly.
The movie starts with a seriously dysfunctional family that consists of Michael (aged 10) Michaels mother (stripper/whore), older sister (problem child who picks on her brother all the time. the first to get it in halloween 1) mother's boyfriend (a drunk piece of shit) and his baby sister (and we should all know who that is, hint : Laurie Strode, played by JLC in the originals).
Michael is portrayed as a normal ish 10 year old boy. However, as the movie rolls on you see what kind of torment his life involves and you discover he cuts up live animals and stuff, kinda like Jeffrey Dahmer.
He gets bullied at school, shit on by his older sister and babied by his mother, and ouright abused by his mother's live in boyfriend.
They all have different fathers and his mother is trash (though the character in the movie is well worth a few pumps and a squirt).
OK. So you following?
Well, Michael goes to school one day, gets picked on by two bullies and when the teacher comes to sort it out he tells his teacher to "go fuck himself" which I admit I laughed at a little, lol.
His mother is called to the school, at which point they find a disected cat in his school bag and photos of animals he has cut to bits (dogs, rats) all whilst still alive (it's typical Zombie gross shit, but very fitting).
Michael listens in on the conversation, runs to his locker and grabs his mask (which isnt the one we are all familar with, seems the lad had a mask fetish from the very beginning, very well explained in the story) and runs away.
He then hides in the woods and waits for his very first human victim ! this is one we never knew about !
So along comes the instigator of the bullying in the bathroom who Michael then proceeds to beat to death (in a very slow, agonising and macabre way !)
This part was kinda disturbing. Not only do you see this bully getting battered, but you also see him get his nose and face smashed to a pulp and half his teeth beaten out whilst he begs for his life (Well, he does give it the large until he realises he is utterly fucked).
It's sick, and it's twisted. BUT. It's exactly what would happen if you were to watch someone slowly and agonisingly be beaten to death.
He then goes home and becomes pretty normal. Asking his mother to ask his sister to take him out trick or treating.
His sister sort of does what she is told... Takes him outside and as soon as his mother has left for work tells Michael to basically fuck off and go alone. This is the final straw.
He goes back into the house, duct tapes up the asshole of a boyfriend (who is drunk and asleep) and slices his throat wide open in the most graphic and disgusting way possible.
Then Michael proceeds upstairs where he beats his sister's lover to death with a baseball bat (caving in his skull with alot of rather disturbing cracking and sploshing sound effects) and stabbing the absolute shit out of his sister.
He then goes downstairs, picks up his baby sister from her crib (laurie) and sits on the doorstep awaiting his mother's return from work.
When she gets there she asks him what he is doing, he then tells her 'it's over ma' at which point he is quickly put into a mental institution.
Quick interlude. You can tell from the very moment that the movie begins it is a Zombie flick. Score one movie !
At which point Malcolm Mcdowell (of clockwork orange fame) becomes his shrink in the hospital (the role originally played by Donald Pleasance (who is sadly no longer alive
)Michael talks somewhat, then murders a nurse who says something pretty ignorant to him. At which point he never utters another word. (which is another job flawlessly and seemlessly executed by Zombie)
His mother blows her own head off shortly after this whilst watching movies of Michael. Leaving Laurie in her crib.
The movie then resumes 15 years later, at a point where two of the institution guards rape a new 'inmate' and take her to Myer's cell so he can 'have a go'.
This is by far the most sick, disturbing part of the movie. But, it does also answer how Michael escapes.
Michael escapes, and this is where the movie blends into what was Halloween one.
Second interlude.
During this time I found myself saying "well where the fuck did he end up dressed in a boiler suit?" and the movie immediately and VERY cleverly shows you that TOO. Michael sees a truck stop where a large black man is taking a shit. At which point he spreads the large black man and most of his innards and blood all over the toilet cubicle before stealing his suit.
Score two, Movie.
He then goes back to his old house, Where I began to say to myself "so where is his knife and mask??!! As soon as I said that Michael broke up a floorboard and pulled out the mask and the knife, we are now in 1979, Halloween 1 territory !
But once again Rob Zombie had very cleverly stopped me from having any unanswered questions. Which I still find amazing, it's almost like the guy is fucking clairviyant because the timing is impecable.
The rest of the movie? I'm not going to go into that. But let's say I am still shaking and have absolutely no fingernails left. I havent shit myself like that since the very first time I ever watched Halloween 1 (which was the first horror movie I had ever watched in my life). It's pretty terrifying stuff tbh.
The review low down -
I am going to make categories to demonstrate my thoughts and feelings on just how fucking well this movie was thought out and put together.
The Story.
Leaves no stone unturned. You can Tell Rob Zombie is a huge fan of Halloween, and it shows. EVERYTHING you have been wondering since the very first halloween movie is all explained and answered here, in a wonderful story about a fucked up family full of scum and trash.
The way it blends into what was the first ever movie is also amazingly clever, you can actually say to yourself "ahhh, so this is where the first one began then !"
Even better, the large lump between Michael hacking his sister (and unknowingly to all of us entire family bar his mother and Laurie) to pieces are amazingly well implemented and executed. The language has "R Zombie" scribbled all over it, and so do the murder scenes. BUT. That was where Zombie got to use his imagination, he hasnt fucked with ONE single piece of the original, simply added the missing pieces to the puzzle and left us with a fucking amazing movie !
I command you to watch it and not go "ahhhh. Ooooo !" when almost by magic Zombie answers all your questions, whilst keeping you in need of a pair of rubber underwear.
Is it scary?
Yes.It.Fucking.Well.Is.
I watched it in the middle of the day, with intervals because I ordered a new oven for my friend here and had to take delivery. I also stopped to make another cup of coffee as I find these movies terribly tiring (being frightened is exhausting).
However, the nature of the movie is utterly terrifying. The language is perfectly fitting and does not seem over the top in the slightest (I mean ffs we are watching the creation of a psychotic fucking madman with a large razor sharp knife, you don't think they all sat around the table with PB&J sandwiches do you?) and Michael is one very sick and twisted young man, no longer a very big fucker who grunts whilst he stabs people into chunks.
Execution.
This would depend on you, and what you were hoping for.
If you go back and read my review of Resurrection and my thoughts (and prayers tbh) about the 'next one' you will see that amazingly Rob Zombie has answered eveyrthing I asked for without ever reading it or having a clue what *I* wanted.
And I wrote that before I even knew this movie was going to exist (IIRC) and thus I am absolutely thrilled to bits over the way the movie has been made, filmed and executed.
An answer from the heavens, basically.
Actors.
Malcolm Mcdowell was probably the most expensive of the actors to hire. And I fucking hope he was.
There is no replacing Donald Pleasance as the 'creepy yet fucking clever old dude' but somehow Mcdowell pulls it off and it's another fine display of Zombie's attention to detail. I fucking love it when Michael asks "why do you sound funny?" referring to his british accent.
The rest of the characters are good. his mother does a good job of being an old slut as does his sister. Michael is fucking brilliant aswell. The only one I would have liked to see better is Laurie.But in honesty by the time she has arrived in the movie you have already gotten all the greatest shit, the new shit. So I cant knock her, she screams fucking well too LOL.
Overall.
I shit you not readers, this is the best movie I think I have ever seen.
I talked about this today with my room mate, and we watched the opening part together before he got his copy and went off to his bird's house to watch it. And we both agreed even from 5 minutes of the movie that this was the best horror remake we had yet seen because it wasnt fucking dumb (like the new TCM which wasnt even scary just plain fucking gay).
I know I am going to be a little biased here, because of course what I wanted from this movie would probably be very different to alot of other 'ween fans. But IMO this movie is simply fucking heavenly, scary, detailed and utterly fucking barbaric. If you are a 'ween fan you will love it. If you have never seen a 'ween movie before (too young or stupid say) then you will love it. As a standalone movie it is fucking stonking, as a TRUE follow up/remake to the original it is unparalleled.
It's a shame that someone didnt talk to George Lucas about remaking or explaining movies, because along comes Rob Zombie and shows the entire fucking world JUST HOW THIS SHOULD BE DONE.
And no mistake.
Andy, Aug '07
Available now at all good stockists
*hint* pm *cough*